Three Simple Rules: Setting the Right Expectations to
Find Mr./Ms. Right
by Karen Sherman, Ph.D.
Wouldn't it be great if fairytales came true? Especially those stories about finding a perfect prince or princess and living happily ever after? In real life-after having kissed too many frogs, or worse, being aware of the high divorce rate-many of us may have wondered if fairytale endings are no more than far-fetched fiction.
At the same time, though, most of us still want and expect to find our Mr. or Ms. Right. The good news is, finding a partner that is perfect for you is a real life possibility-and something that you can turn into a probability by resetting your expectations. This will involve remembering three simple rules, which will provide a road map that will point you on the right direction and ensure you stay on course in your search for your ideal mate.
Rethink Your Expectations : There are three main rules that you need to know. These principles will serve to help you understand the person you are dating, manage your expectations, and prevent ugly surprises.
- Everything you want to know about a person is there for you to see right from the beginning.
- You cannot change anybody.
- There is an "upside" and a "downside" to every trait.
Let's look at each of these concepts more closely.
Initially, you just don't see everything about a person when you meet him or her because each of you is working hard at putting your best foot forward. Once you make a good first impression, though, you move forward. Now-even at this early stage-you can learn everything you want to know about your potential Mr. or Ms. Right just by paying careful attention. As you move ahead, each person begins to become more comfortable and reveals more of whom they really are. Now is certainly the time to pay attention to details!
To illustrate the three rules, let's start with a seemingly simple-and very common-example: The person you are dating throws their jacket on the chair when they come into your apartment. As much as that may annoy you, you must understand, that is who they are. They are not going to become a neat freak later on. As a matter of fact, the more relaxed they grow to be, the more likely they are to take liberty in throwing their clothes around-expect to find scattered socks, shoes, even underwear! By being observant, you can realize someone's true nature from the very beginning.
Let's continue with Mr. or Ms. Messy to prove our second point-you can't (try as you might!) change anyone. You can, of course, let the person know you are unhappy with the sloppiness, but you cannot expect him or her to change. What is more appropriate and what you can change is your reaction to their behavior. By seeing someone for who they are and understanding that you cannot change them, you can recognize early on if someone is an appropriate match.
Being cognizant of our last principle-that every trait has both an "upside" and a "downside"-you may realize that even though you think your Mr. Right is a slob, it doesn't mean that you must cast off your otherwise prince charming as a toad.
Think about the other side to your potential partner's sloppiness. Maybe his carefree attitude towards the proper place of a coat is indicative of his flexible and relaxed nature-perhaps a trait that is a nice counter balance to you being someone who admittedly tends to get a bit uptight.
Is there a magic equation to tell you who the right person is for you? No, in real life there are no special spells, potent potions or puffs of smoke that conjure up Mr. or Ms. Right, but when you go into your relationship with the right expectations, you'll see that a fairy tale ending can become a well-deserved reality.
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