Choice Relationships: Men and Women: There Really IS a Difference
Circulation 1000
Volume 12 May 2007
In This Issue:
My Personal Insights:
Choice Tips:
Additional Resources I Recommend:
Empowering Information and Tools:
Having been a Relationship Expert for so long, it's quite amazing how similar many of the general patterns between different couples are even though the specifics may vary. Springtime is generally considered the season of new beginnings and romance. So, in this issue I'd like to offer you some of the newer research to a very old issue: "Why doesn't he/she get me?"
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ALWAYS INSIGHTFUL I wanted to thank you for your informative newletters... Melissa N. I'VE LEARNED A LOT FROM YOUR PERSONAL INSIGHTS Thanks for your insight on relationships. I am a widow trying to start a new relationship, and surely, your advice has been a big help. Keep up the good work, Dr K!!"
YOUR INSIGHTS HELPED ME IMPORVE Thank you so much for your helpful insights. They have helped improve my life and my relationships with others. Elizabeth, Australia Thank you, great advice!!!!! David S. |
Understanding and Respecting Your Differences
Aside from my private practice, I also teach undergraduate psychology. One of the fundamental questions raised in the course is if people become who they are because of their biology or because of they way in which they were raised. More and more research is indicating that a lot of our personalities, especially between the genders, are due to biological differences.
The bad news is: "it is what it is;" the good news is: it doesn't mean your mate doesn't care - he or she is just different. So, what you've generally considered as your partner not being concerned about you was really just a variation in the biological make-up. Of course, it helps to learn the information in order to accept these concepts, which is why I've offered so many tips this time. Once you accept this, all sorts of possibilities and choices in how you respond to each other become available. The old dance of her feeling neglected and coming after him only to be met by his shutting down, does not have to be the only two-step you still keep doing.
Rather, the more you can appreciate the differences, the better your relationship will become!
- Men process information with 1 hemisphere and women process with both. Therefore, she's able to integrate both cognitive and emotional material at the same time, while he's doing either cognitive or emotional.
- There is a bundle of nerves that connects the 2 hemispheres called the corpus callosum. It tends to be larger in women. Thus, she is going to have more neural networking to handle information.
- A woman's biology is such that she is more emotionally reactive. Therefore, she will respond more to emotional situations.
- A man's biology is such that when there is too much stimulation, he becomes aroused and he'll secrete a hormone that indicates something negative is happening. It's important to note that a man is hypersensitive to stimulation, meaning that just as a woman responds easily to emotion, he responds quickly to stimulation. This makes constant eye contact and taking criticism difficult.
- Women tend to fear being isolated and alone and connect by talking and being close (that's why they always go to the bathroom with another female) - so it's important that a man provide reassuring gestures to let her know she's important and "he's there for her." Validating her feelings, even if you don't agree with them, is really important.
- A man tends to experience a sense of shame or inadequacy. When that happens his behaviors will manifest as stonewalling, yelling, or withdrawing. To avoid these, a woman can make sure she doesn't bring topics up in a harsh or critical way. Even subtle statements that send the message to him that he doesn't know what he's doing can be harmful.
- Literal communication is different. Right from the early years, females do verbalize more. Hints are a linguistic skill that most men don't possess biologically. Therefore, women need to get to express their point in fewer words and be more direct.
Additional Resources I Recommend:
Butler, K., "The Art and Science of Love," The Psychotherapy Networker, Sept/Oct 2006.
Love, P. & Stosny, S. " How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," Broadway Books, 2007.
And just for fun, I couldn't resist sending you to this story that clearly indicates the differences in the genders: Click here to Read!
Empowering Information and Tools:
Did you know that I also share some more of my thinking on relationships on a weekly blog? Click here to read!
If you weren't able to listen to the Free Teleseminar I did about the 7 Tools for Conflict Communication , you can still hear the downloaded audio by clicking on the following link:
On this page, you'll also be able to link to (2) of my previous Free Teleseminars, which feature my personal response to a variety of listeners questions.
I've also included a transcription of my first Free Teleseminar for you to view!
In the call, I explain that the tools are a wonderful way to manage your conflicts. But conflicts can also increase your connection and intimacy. To help improve those skills, I offered a 3 part series for only $97 to the first 25 people who signed up. Because of your loyalty to me, and since these calls have been taped, I'm now going to offer you the ability to listen to them for the same low price!
The first 25 people also got a FREE 15-minute one-on-one phone consultation with me.
Well, again because my newsletter subscribers are special to me, I'm prepared to present you with the same offer if you'll give me 5 minutes of your time at the end to help me learn about my services and hopefully a testimonial.
It's that simple...the Free Telesem inar is my gift to you. Just go to this link and listen at your leisure. Then if you want to learn the tools to create a relationship that brings you closer and offers more satisfaction, take me up on the additional 3 part series - it's less than what 1 individual session with me would cost and... you get to talk to me also!
At the end of the call, it tells you how to sign up for the 3 part series.